Etiquette: the rules of good tone and secular manners

The observance of ethical standards by a person in society always defines him as a highly moral individual with moral principles, respecting himself and those around him. But only knowledge and adherence to the rules of etiquette make a man a real gentleman, and a woman a real lady.

To understand the need for such a phenomenon as etiquette, it is necessary to give this concept a definition, distinguishing it from the concept of ethics. Etiquette is a set of rules that must be observed in society, the ability to behave appropriately in a particular case.

For the first time the word "etiquette" originated in France under King Louis XIV. At one of the social events, the guests received small cards (labels), which set out the first ever capital rules for how to keep yourself in society.

Such an innovation could not go unnoticed. For a long time to this day, the set of rules has steadily increased, entire chapters and paragraphs are added, which are designed to regulate human behavior in all areas of activity.

The concepts of etiquette and ethics are often equated and summarized. It is not right. If etiquette is a clear law, when a person can be accurately assessed, concluded that he is familiar with good manners or not, then Ethics are internal moral and moral attitudes that a particular subject follows, relying on one's own intuition, as well as the degree of education and prudence.

Etiquette is common to all, it is unchanged and exists a priori, ethics are hidden and hidden features of a person’s character. All have their own standards of ethics. They depend on the social status, on those behaviors and building relationships that are inherent in the family, on the educational process at school, on the circle of friends and acquaintances, on personal qualities and a person’s character.

You can be a highly moral person and a great moralist, but you don’t know the rules of etiquette at all, but you can follow all the laws of decency, but you can be a selfish, greedy and bad person.

Anyway, in order to achieve success in life, to be able to present yourself with the best hand, to feel confident in any society, in any situation, you should learn all the rules of good taste and always comply with them. Etiquette has covered all spheres of human activity, so it is important to know that your partners, opponents, colleagues, friends and relatives are familiar with the laws of decency and will appreciate your ability to stick to people and in an intimate setting.

One should not be surprised that many rules can be found, for example, both in civil etiquette and in military or business. Many installations are common to all aspects of life, therefore they are duplicated. It is necessary to highlight the following types of etiquette:

• Civil. The code of rules established by civil etiquette regulates the norms of behavior for all citizens, without exception, in everyday life. They are guided by being in public places, when asking for help from a stranger, when traveling by public transport, and so on.
• Secular. Familiarity with the rules of secular etiquette is for those who are to appear in a society united by an event or an invitation to the hosts of the event. This includes the laws of greeting, dating, presenting guests to each other, expressing gratitude to the organizers of the evening, the rules of good tone at the table, the relevance of one or another dress and others.
• The court. The one who was fortunate enough to appear at the monarch's court (for example, to be in the company of the Queen of England) is obliged to know “from and to” the rules of good manners at the royal court. One of the main laws during the reception of Elizabeth II is to speak only when the queen herself asks.

• Military. The code of rules, which clearly regulates the observance of subordination in the army, includes the standards of conduct for military personnel in all possible situations.
• Business. An important block of rules for learning that will help anyone build a career, become a reliable partner and a successful businessman.
• Religious. It is not enough to express respect for the church and faith, it is necessary to know how to behave in the temple, how to appeal to the clergy, how to behave in rituals.
• Family. Within each unit of society, the laws of family etiquette must be observed. Due to compliance with the rules, it is possible to prevent most family quarrels, and as a result - of divorce.

There are many other types of etiquette. Some have long been a thing of the past, for example, knightly, and such as a court or ballroom on the verge of going down in history. The modern world is very changeable, swift, new concepts are constantly being introduced, phenomena are taking place that require a settlement, a confinement in a framework.

Law by the state cannot create the necessary framework for the settlement of all aspects of human life. This function is taken by the norms of etiquette.

Thus, it is possible to identify the main functions of etiquette as a science:

• Contact establishment function Proper greeting and familiarity will help to endear a person from the first seconds. After a competent start, the course of the conversation takes the right direction and plays into the hands during the entire period of the relationship. Set the correct tone will help compliance with the rules of etiquette.
• The function of developing the skill of conducting a conversation and maintaining non-verbal contact. Small talk - a mandatory attribute of any formal and informal events. With the advent of virtual communication, a modern person loses the skill of supporting a conversation, forgets about controlling his gestures and facial expressions. For those who feel insecure in this aspect, it is recommended to train in front of a mirror, read more fiction, try to retell the plot of the story.

• The manifestation of courteous, polite attitude towards people around them. There is a saying: "Politeness is the best weapon of a thief." You should not take it literally, but should be adopted. A person who shows courtesy to those around him and respects to his elders is always happy to meet him, they are eager to help, forgive a lot.
• The function of regulating the behavior of people. This function is one of the most important, because it does not apply to a specific individual, it helps to restrain the whole society within ethical standards. Observing the norms of etiquette, a person becomes predictable, it is easier to “deal with” him, his reactions are completely understandable.
• Etiquette helps in conflict prevention. One of the main criteria for compliance with the rules of decency is the ability to control your emotions.Most often, quarrels and disagreements can be settled peacefully, adhering to the rules of etiquette.

Thus, etiquette is aimed at creating a highly moral, highly organized, intellectual society. Compliance with or non-compliance with the rules of this phenomenon helps to assess a person in a certain upper case.

The foundation or skeleton of etiquette are the principles on which all norms of behavior were created. Separate rules governing, for example, the correct appeal to elders or good manners at the table, as it were, are strung on this backbone, make specifics and point to the only correct option.

It is the basis of etiquette that is closely related to the concept of ethics and morality. Based on this statement, we can distinguish the main principles of the phenomenon:

• Humanism and humanity. The essence of the concept of "humanity" is that each person should treat others as he would like to be treated. The main idea that the “humanism” phenomenon carries is the freedom of choice of a person, freedom of action, the opportunity to develop and choose one’s own path of development, the realization of one’s goals. This statement means that no one can impede the individual in disposing of his life. It is worth making a remark: human freedoms are limited by the criminal and civil code.
• Tolerance. This concept is close in meaning to the concept of “humanism”. Tolerance is the tolerance of others: worldview, religious preferences, appearance, physical characteristics, lifestyle. Do not compare this concept with indifference. You can be involved in the life and situation of another person, but remain tolerant.

• The principle of control over the aesthetic appeal of action. It is always necessary to monitor your gestures and facial expressions. Cheeky gait, waving hands during a conversation, provoking posture or indecent gestures can be regarded as disrespect for others or lack of proper upbringing. A real lady or gentleman is always, as they say, “control themselves,” not allowing themselves to be discredited by inappropriate movements.

• The principle of tradition and customs. The rules of etiquette in different countries may vary depending on the traditions, religion or historical past of the country. Thus, the appeal to the girl in France sounds like "Mademoiselle", to the older women - "Madame", whereas in England - "Miss" and "Mrs.", respectively. In addition, there are deeper differences between etiquette of different countries. For example, the etiquette of Muslim states is very strongly tied to the religious characteristics of the people.
• The principle of modesty, courtesy and tact. Modesty - the best decoration of man. Do not confuse this concept with shyness. A self-confident person does not shout about his merits in society, but he knows his own worth and respects the principle of modesty. A polite, tactful person will never offend another, will always find a way to make a remark so as not to affect the person's feelings, never comment on someone’s behavior in public, or allow himself to evaluate someone’s actions or words.
• All actions must be appropriate to the circumstances. Sometimes in a given situation there is not enough knowledge about how to act correctly. In this case, it is worth being guided by common sense.

Etiquette is a very broad concept that includes various aspects and aspects of human behavior. The basis of the concept includes many components of etiquette.

In any society, you should watch your speech. Not only the content should comply with generally accepted standards, but also timbre, intonation, speed, tone of speech play an important role.

Express your thoughts clearly, do not stretch, but do not hurt. The interlocutor must be able to understand all the words, to catch the meaning of what was said. Calm and confident intonation contributes to the development of the conversation, strengthening relationships.

The skills of verbal etiquette can be learned. For training you will need a stopwatch and any object (comb, scissors, sugar bowl). Turn on the timer, then for three minutes tell about the selected subject. Make sure that thoughts do not repeat, follow all the basic laws of speech etiquette.

As soon as the story will be easily given and last for at least three minutes, increase the duration to five minutes and so on. It is not bad to add a voice recorder to such training in order to listen to your monologue, evaluating its content, your voice (tone and timbre). Performing such simple actions regularly allows you to master the culture of speech. Now, whatever the matter, you can talk for a long time, and most importantly, it is interesting for others.

In relation to the narrator, the listener must also fulfill a number of requirements. First, in no case can one interrupt the one who speaks. This is a demonstration of disrespect. It is important to ask a few clarifying questions after the completion of the phrase of the interlocutor, in order to show their interest and participation.

You can never comment on someone or someone's actions with negative overtones.. Always remember the most important functions of etiquette - humanism and tolerance, as well as tactfulness and politeness. Even if personal feelings were hurt, you should remain silent and, if possible, simply stop communicating with the abuser.

Non-verbal communication is communication through body language, facial expressions. It is always very important to monitor your gestures and facial expressions.

In any reputable society, idleness in movements is not accepted. The pose should be restrained, not vulgar. When conducting a conversation, you should not strongly gesture with your hands. Especially striking when someone at the table waving devices during a conversation. Such behavior is regarded as the height of indecency.

Too emotionally expressed mimicry is considered inappropriate in society. For example, do not open your mouth wide with surprise. The look should be directed towards the interlocutor, when talking, it is desirable to look into his eyes or on the nose.

Proxemics deals with the study of the spatial and temporal sign system in society. In different countries, taking into account the peculiarities of traditions and religion, we can talk about a different level of comfort when encroaching on personal space, but there are generally accepted norms.

Always remember the distance. The optimal distance between the interlocutors - 1 meter. Invasion of personal space can cause hostility and, as a result, the cessation of communication between people. This also includes touch.

The rules governing, for example, the place of a particular guest in a house at the table are also referred to as etiquette proxemics.So, the owners take the place at the head of the table, the guest of honor - on the right hand of the owner, the younger and the children - in the far corner.

The world of things is not the last place in etiquette. In this section, you can include such phenomena as table setting, the ability to own cutlery correctly, the appropriate choice of attire for a particular occasion, knowledge of how to sign a card or hand a gift, present flowers.

The rules of communication usually depend on the situation, but the basic postulates are common to one and all, therefore, in the process of creating an etiquette code of rules, speech formulas were developed. They are designed to become the standard of how to properly conduct a conversation with a person.

Before proceeding directly to the speech formulas, it is necessary to determine the structure and types of communication. Thus, it is divided into:

• oral (speaking, listening);
• written: (letter, reading).

Oral and written communication differs by the type of presentation, the way to perceive information.

During a personal conversation, the information field is created in front of his eyes, the speaker has the opportunity to use timbre, intonation, facial expressions and gestures during a conversation, he is actively working with his voice.

The letter allows the narrator to spend more time selecting the exact language tools, finding the right words, accurately following the narrative thread, and also provides an opportunity to correct and edit the writing.

A letter or conversation, including telephone, can be divided into certain stages:

• the beginning of the relationship (greeting, acquaintance);
• the main part of the conversation;
• end of conversation, summing up and farewell.

From how the first stage went, one can judge the further development of the conversation and relations in general. Etiquette comes to the rescue of creating a favorable image. Its rules govern the sequence of greetings:

• the youngest one, the rank of service or rank, greets the elder first;
• a gentleman greets a lady;
• a young girl is a man older than herself;
• single lady first welcomes a married couple;
• when two couples meet, the first women greet each other, then the men with the women, and only then the men shake hands;
• during a telephone conversation, the first one who phoned will greet;
• A letter always begins with a greeting.

In order to properly greet a person, one should be guided by the appropriate formula in a particular situation:

• "Hello! "- universal option for greeting;
• “Good afternoon”, “good evening”, “good morning” - depends on the time of day, is also considered universal;
• "Hello! "- informal greeting, suitable for meeting old acquaintances, friends;
• “Good health! "- specific speech formula used in military etiquette.

In addition to verbal methods of greeting, there are non-verbal methods that are actively used in secular society:

• nod head (used mostly by women);
• men lift their hat as a sign of greeting, if a familiar person walks past a few meters;
• at balls and in court etiquette, women make a curtsy at a meeting or a new acquaintance;
• men kiss the lady’s hand or shake hands;
• close people kiss each other on the cheek.

The stage of dating is very important and requires careful preparation. It is better if strangers are introduced to each other, for example, the host of a festive event or a common companion. Some time ago it was considered indecent for both men and women to take the initiative, getting acquainted independently. However, the times are changing, the lady can first start a conversation and introduce herself.

Anyway, there is a certain order, which, according to the rules of etiquette, is followed at the time of acquaintance:

• the first woman is a man;
• a woman appears first if the acquaintance happens to a man or a woman older than her;
• a lonely person is always the first to appear as a married couple or group of people.

If the task is to introduce two strangers to each other, there is the following sequence:

• the lady is represented first to the man, she in turn decides whether to give or not to give a hand;
• first represent the older by age or position of the one who is younger;
• the owner of the house, the organizer of the evening, represents the newcomer of the whole company, calling his name first;
• during the presentation of a relative, the first is the degree of kinship, then the name (“Meet my niece Olga”);
• Introducing your friend to your parents, the first name is the name of a friend;
• acquainting peers, first called a closer friend.

To introduce two people to each other, you should choose the right moment, so you should not interrupt the conversation of one of them. You should not let two strangers to each other and offer them to meet yourself. Such a gesture is regarded as the height of indecency.

Introducing yourself, or when the host represents the guest, you should not sit on a chair, you must stand up and greet the new acquaintance. The exceptions are older people who are allowed to stay in their place.

After the introduction of new friends should say to each other: “I am very happy to meet! "Or" Nice to meet you! ". An acquaintance can be sealed with a handshake, but a simple nod with a head, a slight bow, is allowed.

After the greeting, the first acquaintance, the woman or the oldest can start a conversation. It should be supported. In the rules of etiquette, there are topics that need to be avoided in a secular society and when they are first met - this is politics and religion. You should not categorically express your thoughts and controversy. It is necessary to adhere to the principle of humanism and tolerance.

After the end of the event, you should say goodbye to a new acquaintance, once again express the pleasure of meeting, the hope of a new one soon. The farewell can also be accompanied by a handshake, an exchange of hugs or kisses on the cheek is allowed with an old friend or relative.

General rules for visiting social events or celebrations on the occasion of a birthday, name day, New Year and others suggest following aspects:

• Punctuality. It is very important to come to any meeting at exactly the appointed time. It is not necessary to come in advance, as the owners may not be ready, and this can put them in a quandary. Being late is all the more impermissible. In case of force majeure, you should call in advance and discuss the exact time of arrival.
• Appearance must fit the event.
• Attending events in which a feast is expected should not come empty-handed. Bring cookies, cakes or sweets and hand them to the hostess. The hostess has to put treats on the table.
• Having entered the room in which the guests had gathered at the table, it was necessary to greet everyone at once, take a look at each guest, smile.
• Sitting at the table, once again greet the neighbors on the left and right hands.
• One should not wish those who gathered to enjoy a good appetite, this expression is considered indecent in secular circles.
• At the end of the evening, thank the hostess, give a positive assessment of her culinary skills and the evening as a whole.

It is necessary to separately distinguish the laws of etiquette, which relate to telephone conversations. It is especially important to follow the rules during business calls or calls to unfamiliar and unfamiliar people. Large firms for their employees develop standards that the employee rigorously performs every day in their work. So the company management creates the necessary image and authority in the eyes of its customers.

Regardless of who receives or makes calls - a civil servant, a commercial employee or a call is exclusively secular, - The basics of telephone conversations are the following rules:

1. Make phone calls from 9:00 to 21:00.
2. It is necessary to greet the person, introduce yourself. If the phone call is businesslike, be sure to name your regalia.
3. Ask the other party, is it convenient for him to talk.
4. Call the purpose of the call, ask the question of interest.
5. After the topic of the call is exhausted, you need to thank for the answer and say goodbye.

In the case of answering a phone call, you must greet the caller, if he did not name himself, clarify how he can be addressed, answer the question and say goodbye. There are etiquette rules for answering an incoming call for employees of firms and organizations. The employee should say hello, voice the name of the company, his position, last name and first name. Next, ask the question “How can I help you? Or alternatives offered by the employer.

Requirements for the letter echo the stages of conducting a normal conversation: a greeting with a message by name, the main idea set forth in the subject of the letter, farewell and signature. The signature in a personal letter, as a rule, is intimate, in business it is official, with a list of regalia, last name, first name and patronymic.

A conversation is the most reliable way to communicate information. During the conversation, you can find out the opinion and side of your opponent, create agreements, draw a personal portrait of the interlocutor for yourself, find out what motivates a person while making certain decisions, and, importantly, enjoy the pleasure and satisfaction of having a good time.

There are two main types of conversation:

• business;
• secular.

The first type of communication involves strict adherence to all norms and rules of business etiquette. In a business environment, it is mandatory to adhere to a set of these rules so that the relations between partners and colleagues are extremely predictable. Everyone values ​​their time, money and reputation.

Basic laws of business communication:

• Punctuality or time management. The concept of business punctuality includes not only the fact of arriving at a meeting at the appointed time. Compliance with the timeframe of the contract, the implementation of a call within a specified time, the work done by an employee for a certain time, the ability to briefly and clearly articulate their thoughts - also relate to the phenomenon of punctuality.

• Attitude to work. For successful business and career advancement, one should conscientiously treat their work, minimize the percentage of errors. You should not often take tea breaks, linger from lunch, be distracted by personal calls, talk with colleagues on abstract topics.
• trade secret. All financial transactions and conditions of contracts with counterparties are classified information. Employees must not distribute this information. Currently, the condition of preserving commercial secrets is included in the clauses of the employment contract. For the dissemination of information relating to trade secrets, an employee of the organization may be subject to penalties and administrative penalties.
• Dress code. Business attire is a prerequisite for successful collaboration and workflow. The choice of an appropriate costume forces a person to respect the limits of decency accepted in society, creates a certain image, makes others around see a professional in a person.

• Desktop. On the table of the employee and the chief of any rank must be order. Each document should be in its place, have a neat appearance. This is necessary so that the employee can always quickly find the necessary information and pass it on request to colleagues or partners. In large organizations there are uppercase rules about what items should be on the table, as well as where to lie.
• Subordination. You can not show familiarity with respect to their colleagues, and especially older in age and official position. The position of a particular individual is due to its location at a certain level of the hierarchy. Thus, the employee cannot distribute official tasks to his supervisor. However, the reverse process is taken by all for granted.
• Mutual politeness and tact in resolving controversial issues. It is important to be able to argue their conclusions, all statements should be specific, words should not contradict each other. At the time of resolving disputes or conflict situations, it is not allowed to offend the feelings and personality of an opponent; you must learn to correctly accept victory or defeat.

• Competently defend their position - an important skill in conducting business negotiations and the work process in general. In order to make the conversation constructive, the image of the person and the company was not injured, you should prepare in advance for a meeting with a partner. One should think about what argument the counterparty can give in order to be ready for an answer.

• Meetings, events. When organizing a meeting, the organizer must present the purpose of such an event. If possible, indicate the main points and the main issues to be discussed. Thus, invited employees are required to prepare answers and necessary data. In addition, do not forget about time management. A prerequisite is the establishment of a clear time frame for the meeting.

Example of a business letter indicating the need for a meeting:

“Good afternoon, colleagues!

Today, 03.02.2018, a meeting will be held in the director’s office. The question of staff turnover and options for correcting the situation will be discussed. I ask the personnel department to prepare the necessary figures and reports, the heads of departments - a list of requirements for candidates, HR - ways to regulate staff turnover.

The time of the meeting is 14:00 - 15:30.

Respectfully,

Director of LLC "Manager"

Ivanov Ivan Ivanovich"

Small talk has less official character. This is especially manifested in communication with close friends and relatives. However, the basics remain the same - punctuality, politeness and tact, respect and reverence for elders, modesty and humanity.

Clothing has a huge impact on the assessment of a person in society, and on how the individual himself feels. In order to achieve harmony in these guises, you should know the following: the dress should be appropriate, neat, it should not have vulgar elements, it should be comfortable and strictly fit the occasion.

Casual clothing should not provoke the public, its main task is to be neat and comfortable.Whereas for a trip to a restaurant a woman is most likely to choose a cocktail evening dress, and a man to wear a suit.

It often happens that on invitation cards for a social event you can see the postscript: “Dress-kode Black Tie”. Such a message requires a man in a tuxedo (or black suit) to appear, and a woman in a long evening dress in a dark color.

When choosing clothes, one should strictly adhere to the specifics of the event, time of year, specific weather, time of day.

Separately, it should be said about the make-up. In the daytime, a woman should not be brightly painted, it is necessary to select cosmetics of natural tones. Evening out allows you to put any lipstick and shiny shadows.

Good manners in public places are based on the principle: not to create difficulties and inconvenience to others. It is always necessary to think about the welfare of strangers, and if through carelessness any actions affected someone's feelings or physically prevented a stranger, be sure to apologize.

Sometimes you have to turn to a stranger for help. In this case, you should not attract his attention with the phrase “woman! "Or" man! ", Should approach the person and ask:" Excuse me, please, could you help me? ". Next, you need to set out the essence of the issue. This speech formula is universal for men and women, and such fleeting communication does not require representation and personal acquaintance.

Do not eat on the go, as well as in public places not provided for this. There is a chance to choke or stain others. Smoking in public places is prohibited not only by state law, but also by etiquette rules. It is indecent to point fingers and discuss passersby. In public transport should give place to seniors, disabled and passengers with children.

The generally accepted set of rules of etiquette is considered international. It is followed by European countries, the USA, Russia and others. However, some rules may vary due to their own traditions, history and culture.

The Muslim example of good manners is the common truths of the Quran. Religion calls upon each of its bearers to be modest, beneficent, responsive, hardworking, to be afraid of depravity, vulgar thoughts, abuse.

For women - it is education from the childhood of humility and chastity. Thus, the etiquette of Islam reads:

1. A woman should not look into the eyes of another man, even at the wedding the eyes of the bride are fixed on the floor.
2. A woman completely obeys the opinion of a man, has no right to stand aside, to enter into an argument.
3. Hijab completely covers the legs to the ankles, hands to the wrists, its color is dull, often black.
4. A Muslim woman marries only a virgin, otherwise she will face shame.
5. Islam forbids a woman to drink alcohol.

Less strict etiquette of Buddhism also strongly depends on the faith and traditions of the people. It is important to learn the basic rules before visiting the temple, especially the holidays and religious ceremonies.

Often the ignorance of the exact rules of etiquette is compensated by such human qualities as morality, modesty and politeness. It is important to be able to restrain your emotions, not to succumb to provocations, use your smile as a weapon, be open and cheerful person.

Before attending an important social event, you should familiarize yourself with the rules of good manners, adopt speech formulas that may be useful. It is also important to choose the right clothes.

For those who dream of a high official position, it is worth practicing in oratory, in the ability to defend their position without violating the rules of etiquette, to learn time management.

Going on a trip, get acquainted with the cultural features of the country, religion and moral norms. Example: visiting a Muslim state, think over your wardrobe, it is not necessary to appear in public places in clothes that open shoulders, stomach, knees.

See even more secrets of etiquette from aristocrats in the next video.